there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
