fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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