Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
