after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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