I hate all girls vehemently.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
