after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
