The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
