hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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