the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
