so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
