i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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