You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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