i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What happened to fro yo and sex?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
And then he peed in my hair
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