I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
