Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So vagazzling was a success
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
