Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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