Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
