I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
