oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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