my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
