I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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