and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
