I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
