fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
