My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
