And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
