remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
