No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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