My first STD was from a foam party
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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