Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
