She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I puked a lego.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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