sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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