There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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