I'm so fucking centered right now
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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