My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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