i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
