We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
