and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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