I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
