At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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