The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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