Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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