maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
