I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
