If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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