You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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