I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
