Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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