dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
