my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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