Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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