There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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