Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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