3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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