She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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