laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
