I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
