I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
