I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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